Dear Friend,
Do you find yourself overexplaining everything? You're not alone. Overexplaining is a common coping mechanism for people who have experienced trauma. When we've been through something difficult, it can be hard to trust that others will understand us. So we overexplain, trying to make sure that our words are heard and our intentions are clear.
I grew up in a household where one parent was very emotionally reactive, and they would often take their anger out on me and my siblings. As a result, I learned to walk on eggshells around them. I was always afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing and constantly worried about setting them off.
One of the ways that I coped with this was by over-explaining myself. I would always try to justify my actions and explain my thoughts and feelings in great detail. I thought that if I could make them understand me, they would be less likely to get angry. Of course, this didn't always work. They were still very reactive and would still get angry at me, even when I tried to explain myself. But over-explaining became a habit for me, and it's something that I still do to this day.
I've come to realize that over-explaining is a trauma response. It's a way of trying to control the situation and avoid conflict. When I over-explain myself, I'm trying to make sure that I'm not misunderstood. I'm constantly trying to make sure that I don't do anything to set someone off. When we've experienced trauma, we learn that we can't trust others to be safe or to have our best interests at heart. We may feel like we have to constantly explain ourselves in order to be accepted or to avoid being punished.
But over-explaining can be exhausting. It can be draining to constantly feel like you have to justify yourself. And it can be counterproductive. When you over-explain yourself, you're actually giving the other person more power over you. You're giving them the power to judge and criticize you.
Over-explaining is a common trauma response, but it's one that you can overcome. With time and effort, you can learn to stop over-explaining and start living your life more authentically.
Here are a few tips for overcoming over-explaining:
Identify your triggers: What are the things that make you feel the need to over-explain? Once you know your triggers, you can start to avoid them or develop coping mechanisms for dealing with them.
Set boundaries and assert yourself: It's important to learn to set boundaries with others. This means not letting them walk all over you or take advantage of you. When you set boundaries, you're telling others that you're not willing to tolerate their behavior. This means learning to say no to things that you don't want to do and learning to stand up for yourself when you're being treated unfairly.
Learn to trust yourself: If you're constantly over-explaining, it's likely that you don't trust yourself. You may feel like you're not good enough or that you don't deserve to be respected. The more you learn to trust yourself, the less you'll feel the need to over-explain.
Seek professional help: If you're struggling to overcome over-explaining, it may be helpful to seek professional help. A therapist can help you understand the root cause of your over-explaining and develop healthy coping mechanisms.
Learn to let go of the need to control everything: If you're over-explaining because you're trying to control the situation, then you need to learn to let go of the need to control everything. This means accepting that you can't control everything and learning to go with the flow.
Practice self-compassion: Over-explaining is a common trauma response, so it's important to be kind to yourself. Practice self-compassion by forgiving yourself for over-explaining and by understanding that you're doing the best you can.
Overcoming over-explaining takes time and effort, but it's possible. With time and support, you can learn to stop over-explaining and start living your life more authentically.
Have a lovely weekend!
I can relate to this so bad. I’m working on it